My husband and I recently separated. I was his third wife and didn’t heed the advice of the first two. I naively thought he had grown and changed and had learned from his mistakes . I was hesitant to have children with him but got pregnant early in our marriage with twins.
He was a very loving, doting husband in the beginning, and a devoted, hands-on dad. We had a lovely five years until I caught him cheating with his intern. She was fired, he took a sabbatical and things were OK for a while. But I could tell he was restless.
I took the kids away for the summer while he went back to work. It was going to be very stressful, long hours and hectic, so I wanted to give him space. I thought he would appreciate the gesture. I was wrong. My absence gave him free rein to run amok. My neighbour called to tell me something didn’t seem right.
I came home early without telling him, took the kids to my parents and walked into my house which had become a party pad. I found him in our bed, naked with two women. I called the police; took photos of everything, including all the damage, debris, alcohol and drugs; and then called a lawyer.
The police escorted the women out and asked my husband to quietly leave. My lawyer came and took photos of everything; and then I had a cleaning crew come and blast the place. I stayed with my parents for a few weeks and have since moved back home.
I feel duped, insecure and afraid to go out into the world. How do I get past all of this? And how do I raise my children on my own?
Number Three
Love is blind, as we all know. His first two wives tried to warn you of his ways and, as you said, you naively thought he had grown and changed. You had faith in him because you loved him. There’s nothing wrong with that — except he failed you. He is who he is and doesn’t seem to care who he hurts along the way.
If your children have half-siblings with his first two wives it would be nice for them to be in contact. The women tried to warn you, so they sound like nice people. You could commiserate with them and ask them how they moved forward in his destructive wake.
He pulled the wool over your eyes and then destroyed whatever you had between you. That’s a blow, for sure. But you have two children who need you; two women you can lean on for advice since they’ve been through exactly what you’ve been through; and helpful loving parents. You’ll be fine.
I have a close friend who I met during COVID. We both moved back to our small town during the pandemic to get out of the city and be with our parents.
After COVID, we returned to the city but maintained our friendship. We speak daily and see each other at least once a week. We’re not married, but we’ve both had boyfriends.
We’re now both single. Recently, we went out and at the end of the night, she leaned in and kissed me. I was shocked. I’m not into women and assumed she wasn’t either since she’s only dated men.
Now what?
Hetero
You need to have an open, honest talk with her and tell her how you feel. Your friendship may cool for a while, depending on her reaction. Hopefully, she can figure out how to still enjoy your friendship. But that may not happen. Sorry.
FEEDBACK Regarding the infrequent flyer fearing to fly in the wake of several mishaps (April 16):
Reader: “I’m a long-retired airline pilot, and in this case, the credit should be given to the cabin crew (aka flight attendants) whose primary responsibility is passenger safety. They did an amazing job.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the exhausted grandma (April 16):
Reader: “Having three kids under four, I had to set boundaries (for my own sanity). I told them it was time to go to bed — they didn’t have to go to sleep, but they did have to stay in bed. They could choose what colour PJs they wanted (to give them a sense of autonomy) and they had a lamp on the wall so they could ‘read.’
“This became the new routine and worked just fine. I also explained that I was tired at the end of the day, to put it into context for them.”
Now a Great-Grandma
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