Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in É«É«À². Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca
²ÏÌýMy wife and I are done. Our marriage is over, and I’m devastated. She’s not the woman with whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life. She is hyper-focused on her career and has put off having children.
We talk about it all the time, and not long ago she finally agreed to start trying. I was so excited. I’m way more into it than she is, so I offered to help any way she would let me. She wasn’t interested, and she’d tell me every month, like clockwork, that she got her period.
The other day I walked in on her in the bathroom, completely by accident as I thought she’d already left for work, and saw her removing her vaginal ring. I totally lost my cool and screamed at her. She screamed back that she never wants to have children, ever.
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I want to have a family. I have always wanted to be a dad. I’m devastated and feel I have wasted years with this woman, believing one day she would be ready. What should I do?
No Babies
´¡ÌýIt sounds to me that your desire to have children and a family is stronger than your love for this woman, especially since she has led you on all these years. You two are no longer compatible, if indeed you ever were. Fortunately, the male biological clock usually ticks slower than the female one. Meaning, though I don’t know your age, you’re probably still good to go.
I’m not telling you to end your marriage; I’m only reiterating what you told me. Get legal counsel, make it official and move on. Tell everyone you know you’re looking for love, partnership and to start a family. You’ll find someone soon.
²ÏÌýI am in my mid-20s and have landed a job that pays me extremely well. I’m fortunate to still live at home with my parents. We enjoy being together; the house is large enough for everyone to have their own space, and they’re happy for me to be saving my money. They ask me for nothing.
I’ve never really lived on my own because even in university, I lived in an apartment with other students (my friends), and our parents paid rent and tuition. Mine even gave me money for food. During those years, I had a part-time job but the money I made was spent on going out at night or buying little unnecessary items.
I’d like to show my parents I’m growing up, that I understand the value of a dollar and that I am making good money. But I don’t want to insult them or spend unnecessarily. What do you suggest?
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Financial Growth
´¡ÌýI suggest taking your parents out for dinner and talking to them. Tell them how you feel and that you’d like to contribute to the family in a way that’s meaningful, and not just for the sake of it. Tell them you strongly appreciate they are still willing to house and feed you, allowing you to save, but you don’t want to feel — or for them to feel — like you are freeloading.
Perhaps you could buy your mom flowers every week to brighten the home; perhaps you could pay for a takeaway meal once a week to give the cook a break; maybe you could pay for a cleaning service once a month to give everyone a break from their chores.
Some other line items that parents often start paying for and that young adult children could take over would be paying for their own cellphone (or contributing an amount to the family bill) and/or paying for their own car insurance (if they drive their parents’ car).
Your parents will appreciate your offer, and the conversation.
Opinion articles are based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events. More details
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in
É«É«À². Send her relationship questions via email: lisi@thestar.ca
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