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Twice she has walked in on us when we were getting hot and heavy and has almost caught us mid-act. Obviously if I knew she was coming over that day we would not have gotten playful in the kitchen.

Is it too much to ask to have a schedule?

Step-Mom Rules

A In my opinion no, it is not too much to ask. But I’m not one of her divorced parents and neither are you. However, if you now live with her dad, then you have every right to your own privacy in your own home.

If she were younger, you’d know when she was going to be over because she would need someone to drive her. If she’s her own driver and is independent in her movements, then you don’t know where she is and when.

You could insist her dad have her cell’s location services turned on (which is a good idea if she’s driving anyway), and then he can always check on her whereabouts. That could minimize the surprise visits.

Now that you share the home, your voice matters. If possible, make a plan with your partner and his daughter. Then tell her you want to be there for her, have dinner made, and not be otherwise engaged (book club, dinner party) when she comes over. And that if she needs to stray from the schedule, that’s fine, as long as you’re given a heads up.

Q I recently participated in a 5-km charity fundraiser. It was for an important cause, not just to me but to our whole community. Being close to 80 years old, it was a challenge for me, but I completed it.

In the weeks before the event, I sent out emails giving details about it and asking for any amount, large or small, to be donated on my fundraising page.

When I hadn’t received any donations from several of my family members, I sent out a gentle reminder. All these emails were sent by BCC, so no one saw the names. The email was headed “Dear Family.” Still, no response of any kind, not even best wishes.

My disappointment with my family members remains. None of them are tech challenged so that can’t be an issue; they read their emails too. All of them are upper middle class so finances are not an issue either. As I said, the charity is a community hospital that will benefit everyone.

Friends who donated sent in cheques, so it wasn’t an online issue.

I want to send an individual note to each of these family members expressing my disappointment in them for not supporting me. I don’t care if there’s negative fallout because I feel differently about them now anyway.

Your thoughts?

Frustrated Fundraiser

A I think you have every right to reach out. But perhaps it would be best done in person or over the phone. Hopefully, there will be a valid reason for their lack of communication. Try not to cut them off completely. At 80, you may need family for support in the not-so-distant future.

FEEDBACK Regarding the nationalist (May 28):

Reader “With Trump in office, the U.S. may actually need your advice more than us Canadians.”

FEEDBACK Regarding how words matter (June 3):

Reader “When plantation owners spoke to their grown male slaves, they used the word ‘boy’ to remind them of their diminutive state. Similarly, when military leaders speak to their 18-year-old male recruits, they refer to them as ‘men’ to prepare them for the very adult path they are embarking upon.

“So when I read your response to (Wo)men-o-Pause this morning start with ‘Oh girl,’ I cringed inside. ‘Girl’ is defined as a female child or adolescent. The writer, clearly a fully grown married woman with children at the end of her child-bearing years, is years beyond being a girl. You demean, disparage and dismiss women by using the term.”

Lisi Sorry if I offended you. In my world, it’s just a fun, familiar way to address someone you like.